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Q: I don't understand what's wrong with disciplining my child. When he breaks the rules, he needs to be punished.

A: Children are going to break their parents' rules--some children more than others. Children who have a high need for power and freedom will break parental rules more often than children high in love & belonging. Sometimes, the only way children have to meet their needs for power and freedom is to break your rules. If your child is high in these two needs, then your job is to help him or her develop responsible ways to get his need for freedom and power met. If children have responsible ways to meet those needs, they will not have to resort to breaking rules.

When you punish your child for doing the best he knows to get his needs met, it tends to not make sense. If your child knew a better way, he would choose it. I believe in restricting freedom to keep your child safe until he learns responsible behaviors to manage that freedom. Once he has learned new behaviors, then you can restore the freedom. Other than that, simply talking to your child about the natural consequences of his behavior should be enough to help him understand a better way to accomplish his goals.

When you punish your child, you damage your relationship. Since relationship is the root of all influence, you are decreasing the likelihood of having an impact on what your child does. Maintaining strong relationships will have your child coming to you for advice or help when things don't go as planned. It all comes down to what kind of parent do you want to be?

Do you have a parenting question for Kim?

Email me at Kim@empowermentparenting.com with your question. Please put Parenting Question in the subject line. I will respond to your question within 48 hours of receipt.

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